Sometimes I wonder if I am being a big baby and just need to learn to handle this autism crap a little better? Sometimes I wonder if life will ever be that storybook perfect that I often revisit in my head (the life before autism)? I know that its silly to think of either of the two but, ya know what? I'm tired!! Its only been 4 months since my lil guy was diagnosed with Autism and I am TIRED! I feel the need to list them out, here it goes:
I am tired of the melt downs
I am tired of the therapy
I am tired of the constant screaming
I am tired of the night time struggle
i am tired of worrying
I am tired of trying to make this change
I am tired of feeling guilty
I am tired of looking at a blank stare
I am tired of avoiding everyone/every place
I am tired of no response
I am tired of making excuses
I am tired of feeling like my other kiddos are left out
I am tired of the stares
I am tired of random remarks
I am tired of getting bit, pinched, kicked, smacked and head butted
I am tired of feeling DEFEATED!!
Its been a rough few days and I find myself nose deep in the books again. I had a bad experience with a therapist and now I feel like I have to learn everything and try to do as much as I can. I had to let alot of my personal walls down to allow all these therapist into my home for hours on end and then to have one that decides to cross the line just really broke me. I have read books, researched online, listened to lectures, watched you tube videos, and applied for everything I can to help my sweet boy and at the end of each day I just feel like I could do more. Some way some how I HAVE to make him happier. I hope to post something positive soon, but I'm keeping it real and today was REAL bad ):
