Terrible twos twisted with autism

   Oh what a week it was.  My hands are most likely going to bare the battle marks from this week for years to come.  Jojo as sweet as he is, can be very aggressive when he feels any sort of anxiety or if he just doesn't want to do a task.  He automatically just goes into baby wolverine mode and scratches me like crazy.  If I'm not right there he will find me just to scratch me, gotta love it.  At this point I consider it a sort of flattering thing, hey at least he is showing his emotion and he wants to share it with me?!?!  He has stopped hitting his head with his hand but seems to like the wall.  So its usually a quick scratch followed by a head bang to the wall and then a scream.  He loves to do it all in threes, we call it the Jojo trifecta.  The week ended with his ISP meeting and goal setting.  It was a good learning experience for me and an eye opener to how he reacts in different situations.   Compile that with a full week of ABA and other therapy and it leaves you with a worn out child and mom.

  Jojo has definitely picked up on his abilities and he isn't afraid of trying anything now.  He used to shy away from the slide but now its climbing up and sliding down everything.  He also mastered the "look", when I say No Jojo, he looks at me like...ummm why not? and then he of course does what he started!  Trying to discipline a toddler is hard enough but throw in a side of autism and there is a buffet of behaviors that just don't make sense and trying to decipher whats typical of a kid his age and whats a stim or a reaction to anxiety is just mind blowing.  I decided on the good ole "remove and distract method"  I have to place him somewhere safe, like on the carpet or his bed because he goes bananas when I stop him from lets say, climbing on the counter.  So I anticipate that he will throw himself about and bang his head so its on to a soft safe place and then I walk away till he cools down.  It works for him.  XX fingers crossed  XX

  Jojo did so much in a week and I am so very glad we got through it.  I look forward to getting into the consistent and structured ABA.   We have a habilitation/ABA trained worker that comes to help now.  This is very hard for me but I'm sure I will get used to the help.  I'm so used to being able to do it all, so for me its hard to admit I need the help.  She started last week and just did some get to know you activities and he REALLY paired well with her. 

Today (02/19/13) he had his first real session with her and he did amazing!  He was able to sort colors into proper groups and his IPAD ability just is unreal.  He may not speak but this kids voice is loud and clear.  He was able to understand the task and that was so cool!  I loved seeing him accomplish his task and then the happiness when he got his reward (playing for 5 min with a favorite toy)  We did this in increments of 15 min on/5 min off  and he responded well.  He gets a break for lunch and downtime and then back at it from 230-530.  This is pretty much our new schedule for mon-fri.  Its alot and the adjustment for all of us is different.  I feel torn between therapy and my duties as a mom/homeschooling to my two middle kids.  Its so hard to feel like I'm always lacking in one area.  The kiddos are doing well and I keep them involved, sometimes they do activities with Jojo too.  We all love to see his progression and I'm so happy that my older kids are just that, older! They understand more and can grasp the idea of having a little brother who needs extra attention.  Jojo is so blessed to have siblings to teach him and walk this path along side of him.

Noon mommy melt downs, anyone?

  I'm a been there- done that mama, done this so many times I can do most of it with my eyes closed, on no sleep, with a cold, and still do okay!  But today I had a moment.  I call it a moment because that's all I can allow myself is a freaking MOMENT!  I cant dare to take an hour or two and just let it really out.  I tried today, but it lasted from about 11:45-12:05 twenty minutes of crying, full-on snot blowing crying. 

  I struggle each day to keep up with my plan of "keeping it together" I try to make each day the best I can.  Lately, however its been so hard?  Sure we have all been sick and therapy had to be rescheduled so its been a different kind of few weeks, BUT I still don't understand why I cant just keep looking forward?  I keep focus and then BAM something sets me off and I'm back to the what if's and why's???  I want to be the best mom I can for ALL of my kiddos and each of them need me in such different ways.  My focus has been so much on Jojo and Autism that I feel so dang guilty.  I think I do pretty ok with making sure all my kids needs are met and emotionally they are doing well but, each day I wonder if I could do more? 


  My meltdown started with a nice attack from Jojo, he got me with the "trifecta Jojo move" its a scratch, pinch and a head to the face move.  It hurts!  My hands look like I got into it with a rose bush, my lip is swollen.  My toddler does this to me everyday, sometimes more than a few times a day.  Its not him trying to purposely hurt me (I hope) rather him trying to settle himself down?  I really don't know what it is but its getting out of hand.  I don't know what to do to control this behavior?  That's when it hit me, well he hit me but, I thought to myself : HOLY HECK I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE!!  I really don't. I have been through the toddler years three other times.  This was supposed to be the breeze.  But, instead its a winding road that I have never traveled and I don't know whats around the next bend.  Its scary.  He make strides and then they just go away?  He was doing great saying maaamaaamaa and NoooNooo back and forth to us and now he just stares at me blankly or doesn't even glance my way.  I say "jojo" a gazillion (thats alot) times a day just hoping that maybe this time he will look at me or come to me!!
 *more tears, great*
He passed another hearing test so I know he can hear the sounds.  I just don't know whats happening from there on.  I want my Jojo back, dammit!  I want that sweet baby that would look at me and coo, I want him back, I want to join my friends at the playgroups, I want to see him enjoy life?!?  That's a whole other post, I think he is fine and happy the way he is, but apparently the right thing to do is to change him.  Ugh to much today and too much crying I'm done!   

So landscapers just showed up, He just asked me if I was ok and I said, " yes I am ok thank you" Im good at lying nowadays!  Gotta go time to snap on my happy face and do this!