Isn't he supposed to say mama?

The fall is my absolute most favorite time of the year. I had been looking forward to all the fun holiday stuff. I really love to bake, and in AZ the fall is perfect baking weather. I also decorate my house as early as I can get away with, yup I put my tree up nov 4th!

The fall of 2011 was different. It started with sad news of my mom in law having a severe stroke. We were taken by surprise and just completely devastated. My honey spent time between here and San Francisco to be near his mom and help her. This turned out to be a life changing event in our lives, my biggest fan and support through all my ups n downs was now basically in another state and unable to communicate or walk. By the end November the family decided to bring her home. Its been just a year and I miss her long chats and the way she would just hold my lil ones and sing to them in Tongan and they would settle down. I often wonder how Jojo would be with her if the circumstances were different? I bet he would have a special way to communicate with her. The year he had with her before the stroke was just not enough.

My early signs that something was off really came to light during months 12-18. He had been walking for a few weeks and the started running, yup running!! It was so cute but also a tad weird to see this lil chubby baby running. He would run from one side of the house to the next. Back n forth and very fast. He was all over the place and had no fear (clue three) I could take him outside and he would run the yard and seriously not stop unless we stopped him. He would be sweaty and heart pounding so hard I could hear it. Then there were days when I would notice a cut on his toe or finger and he never cried or made a peep.  I would tell my hubby this is not normal!!

That would be the first of many instances that I would have to physically restrain him from hurting or overexerting himself.

He seemed most happy sitting with a pile of books or toys and left to explore. He would get upset when we would interrupt him to play along with him. I also noticed he still wasn't trying to speak. (no real babbling, only the occasional coo) I was getting more concerned but also trying to deny it! I just wanted him to be happy, he spent the first yr dealing with reflux and feeding issues so now that we had that figured out I thought he would be not so distracted with pain and be able to learn more.

By march he was now 18 mo old I still hadn't heard any real words. He did a sound like may-mum, it lasted a few weeks. Then he did one that sounded like gogogo, that too lasted just a few weeks. (huge clue/indicator) I was always talking to him and repeating consonant sounds by he wouldn't even look at me. I was really worried but read online that some kids are just slower at picking up first words.  I always seemed to be saying:  Isn't he supposed to say Mama now???

This is the time that I really didn't want to see the good ole pediatrician so I decided to wait till he was 20 mo old. I thought it would give me sometime to help him catch up. Yes I really thought it must be something I was doing wrong! So I regrouped and bought every learning toy I could find, set time aside each day to work with him, and I googled "delays in toddlers."

That night I figured that something was wrong. I was like a mad woman, I fumbled through websites and then it really hit me...He was no where NEAR these guidelines of development. So I got out all my kiddos baby books (I am a super baby book keeper..self kudos). I noticed right off that ALL three of my older kids spoke well before their first bdays and by two they had two word phrases and pretty advanced vocabularies. So I told my hubby that something is not right, my sweet boy could not do ANY of the "guidelines" except the gross motor, he was a runner!!
Here's what most guides suggest:
16-18month old  most toddlers can:

Turn pages of a book
Sing or hum a favorite tune
Say up to 10 words
Stack 3 blocks
Like to follow simple directions
Draw a scribble
Feed self with spoon
Sort toys
point to an object
*these are just a few*
My boy is now 24 mo and can sometimes do two of the above list.

I made his appointment for the dreaded well check. It was scheduled for end of April, right before 20 months.

This is us at a mommy n me Disney playgroup, I was talking him out of the ear flapping.  He just doesnt dig large crowds at all.  

How it came to be

On January 4, 2010 I woke up feeling different and had a feeling this was MY month to finally join the pregnant crew that had been forming in my circle of friends and family.  I waited all day and then did my favorite thing, I peed on a stick! At this time I had probably done this at least a few times a month for the past year, each month I would buy like ten tests and swear thhis was it!  This month was different, I was so shocked that it was a bright double pink line on the test!  I of course, went straight to the store and bought more expensive tests to "make sure." I decided to go to my sisters house because it was closer to the store and I couldn't wait.  So I tested and again, positive. It all seemed so unreal.  My youngest was already 7yrs old and we had a loss by ovarian ectopic a few years back so I was just ecstatic but worried.

 Of course I had to have a cool way to tell my hubby so I went home and told him I was pretty sure I was suffering from a blastocyst.  He kinda just looked up at me with his eye brow cocked and said, "uh what's that?" I told him we should google it.  Took him a good five minutes to figure out that a blastocyst is a very early cell formation that evolves into the growing fetus.  His look was priceless and that marked the beginning of our final pregnancy journey(thanks for the idea T)

 It was going to the best pregnancy ever, I mean I was older, I thought that meant I knew it all, and I had the financial means to not have to worry about the little things this time around, and the kids were older and self sufficient, basically well trained lil robots so this would be a breeze, so I thought!

Whirlwind pregnancy

Soon after seeing the double pink lines on my many home pregnancy tests the anxiety set in. I was in a constant state of fear. I just could not imagine going through another loss. The ectopic was very traumatic for me.  I was in and out of the hospital in pain and eventually had emergency surgery to correct some "bleeding" near my right ovary.  I was sent home told i was still pregnant but a week later the pathology report came back stating, products of pregnancy were found in the mass they removed from my ovary.  I was nearly ten  wks. So it was a VERY hard loss.  

This time I found a great obgyn that got me in right away. He saw me at just 4 weeks along and he tried to make my fears go but, unfortunately they were staying. He explained that an ovarian ectopic is so different than a tubal because of its rarity he did not expect it would happen again. I left feeling guarded and decided to give it a day by day emoitionless go. I would not allow my self to feel happy. Every slight ache or twinge sent me into a full on panic attack. I finally reached the six week mark and my dr agreed to check for placement of the embryo. I went in for an ultrasound and stared at that screen and when I saw the lil ball all snug in my uterus I cried. With each tear I let go of that fear and anxiety and by the time I was home I felt full on elation of pregnancy. We told the kids and life began to feel awesome, again!

This lil baby dubbed "the meatball" by the kids was loved as soon as we let the word out. It was just a complete joy to be pregnant and have older children be so excited. When I was about 12 weeks along and feeling great my older sister came to visit from oregan. We had a blast hanging out and she fed me well! I felt a lil special and it was just fun. The day she was to begin getting ready to go home I had a big time craving for sundaes. So my daughter who was 7 and my sister and I headed out to the grocery store for some goodies. We were half way done shopping and all of a sudden I felt a gush of fluid run down my legs, I looked and my pants were all red!

My sister swooped me up and ran with my baby girl tagging behind. We were all crying. I just kept saying "it's over. It's over". She took me to the ER and I called my hubby. He came right away and my sister took my daughter home. I sat there in my bloody pants begging for them to hurry up. Of course I was not considered a urgent need because once you tell them you are 14 wks they know the pregnancy is not considered viable and well, nothing they can do. I was finally seen and a nurse swiftly told me that miscarriages happen all the time and that there was nothing I could do. I just cried and not for myself but for my other kids. How would I explain that another baby had gone to heaven. Why?? I then was taken to ultrasound and the young man asked me why I was here and I told him they think I may be having a miscarriage and he said, "well here's a STRONG heartbeat" I was so overwhelmed with happiness but still I was bleeding. The dr came in and said I had a subchorionic hemorrhage. Basically a small portion of the placenta failed to attach properly to the uterine wall and it was bleeding. It's actually kinda common and usually will resolve itself. In my case it did resolve after six wks of bed rest!!! My sister stayed with us to help. She cooked,  cleaned,  and even homeschooled my two youngest and drove my oldest to middle school. I was so blessed to have her.

At twenty weeks we had our routine ultrasound and gender check. We were so excited. It's a BOY! We were happy he looked great and the dr said he had all his parts and measured fine. They did however, notice on the ultrasound that I was having contractions. They were not stopping so guess what....more bed rest and meds to stop the preterm labor. This was pretty much expected as it was the way my other pregnancies had gone. So I listened and made my camp on the couch and popped terbutaline as needed.
I spent a few nights in the OB Triage getting shots when the pill wouldnt work.  It made me and the baby uncomfortable.  My heart would race and I would shake from the meds, and so would the baby.  He never stayed still at all.

Fast forward past an amazing baby shower. My sister going home. The hubby having a sinus surgery. Kids starting another school year and the day comes, on September 8, 2010 (exactly two yrs after we lost the ectopic pregnancy!!!) our baby boy was born. Oh it was an easy peasy labor and best delivery ever. I went into active labor at 6 am. Got an epi at 715am and out he came at 845am. Who pushes out a nice 6lb baby in two pushes? I DO, that's who.

When I look back at the pregnancy and the bed rest I can distinctly remember asking my hubby and the doctor...how can this baby even grow because he NEVER sits still.  He was in a constant state of movement and always going. This would end up being Clue #1. When my precious boy entered the world my very first thought (after..omg I did it, again) was ohh he doesnt look fully baked (Clue #2), he just looked like he wasnt done yet.  I thought he looked like a fetus without the comfort of the amniotic sac?  That thought would run across my mind like a banner on a goodyear blimp for the next two years!

Why this blog?

I decided to blog about my sons journey of living with autism. This is all so new to me and we literally just got the formal diagnosis two days ago.  I am sure it will be a blog that will some days be a self proclaimed pity party filled with brownie recipes and tears.  The rest will be daily struggles, triumphs over progress,and information to pass along to help anyone who might be going through the crazy process of trying to make sense of it all.  

To my precious boy: Through both the good times and the trials, I will be here holding your hand and spinning every wheel and propeller we see. We got this baby, together we will smack autism in the face!  *I am retro dating these posts so they will stay in order*


I watch you on your own island 
You seem so happy that way

Sometimes when your not looking
I turn to wipe my tears away

when I turn back and see you flapping your lil ears
it just melts my heart and takes away the tears

I watch you as you struggle in your little mind
please know i want to help and I will soon find

A way for you to be at ease, so please be patient
I love you with all my being. 

Someday I hope I can understand your island and maybe you can invite me in, 

I just want to say I love you, and your beautiful  island too!!



My favorite info site! www.autismspeaks.org