Noon mommy melt downs, anyone?

  I'm a been there- done that mama, done this so many times I can do most of it with my eyes closed, on no sleep, with a cold, and still do okay!  But today I had a moment.  I call it a moment because that's all I can allow myself is a freaking MOMENT!  I cant dare to take an hour or two and just let it really out.  I tried today, but it lasted from about 11:45-12:05 twenty minutes of crying, full-on snot blowing crying. 

  I struggle each day to keep up with my plan of "keeping it together" I try to make each day the best I can.  Lately, however its been so hard?  Sure we have all been sick and therapy had to be rescheduled so its been a different kind of few weeks, BUT I still don't understand why I cant just keep looking forward?  I keep focus and then BAM something sets me off and I'm back to the what if's and why's???  I want to be the best mom I can for ALL of my kiddos and each of them need me in such different ways.  My focus has been so much on Jojo and Autism that I feel so dang guilty.  I think I do pretty ok with making sure all my kids needs are met and emotionally they are doing well but, each day I wonder if I could do more? 


  My meltdown started with a nice attack from Jojo, he got me with the "trifecta Jojo move" its a scratch, pinch and a head to the face move.  It hurts!  My hands look like I got into it with a rose bush, my lip is swollen.  My toddler does this to me everyday, sometimes more than a few times a day.  Its not him trying to purposely hurt me (I hope) rather him trying to settle himself down?  I really don't know what it is but its getting out of hand.  I don't know what to do to control this behavior?  That's when it hit me, well he hit me but, I thought to myself : HOLY HECK I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE!!  I really don't. I have been through the toddler years three other times.  This was supposed to be the breeze.  But, instead its a winding road that I have never traveled and I don't know whats around the next bend.  Its scary.  He make strides and then they just go away?  He was doing great saying maaamaaamaa and NoooNooo back and forth to us and now he just stares at me blankly or doesn't even glance my way.  I say "jojo" a gazillion (thats alot) times a day just hoping that maybe this time he will look at me or come to me!!
 *more tears, great*
He passed another hearing test so I know he can hear the sounds.  I just don't know whats happening from there on.  I want my Jojo back, dammit!  I want that sweet baby that would look at me and coo, I want him back, I want to join my friends at the playgroups, I want to see him enjoy life?!?  That's a whole other post, I think he is fine and happy the way he is, but apparently the right thing to do is to change him.  Ugh to much today and too much crying I'm done!   

So landscapers just showed up, He just asked me if I was ok and I said, " yes I am ok thank you" Im good at lying nowadays!  Gotta go time to snap on my happy face and do this!